Palin's 3 AM phone call

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Riiiiinng.

Riiiiinng.

Riiiiinng.

[answers, yelling]

"Can't you see that I am breastfeeding here?

[pause, listening]

"No, not Trig, but Bristol 's out-of-wedlock brat, Trojan."

[pause, listening]

"Because she had to go on an overnight field trip with her gun safety class. She could have said 'no' to that, but that word doesn't seem to be in her 17-year old vocabulary. Abstinence, schmabstinence. What are schools teaching these kids nowadays, anyway?"

[pause, listening]

“Oh. That’s right. I just followed the party line to keep winning elections. Maybe we should have been teaching sex education in our schools. Heaven knows I could have used it.

[pause, listening]

“Trojan? Yes, it is an unusual name, like all of my children. Palins have always given their kids names that have personal meaning, like my Track, who is in Iraq, who was born during track season.”

[pause, listening]

“Trojan? Because it will be a daily reminder to her that she not to do it again without one.”

[pause, listening]

“Levi? that slacker. I don’t know where he is. He promised to marry her and disappeared into the North Country. What kind of name is Levi? Did they leave their jeans on?”

[pause, listening, still laughing]

“No, leave him alone. He probably wouldn’t be a good influence on Trojan anyway. Say, what did you want?

[pause, listening]

“Where?

[pause, listening, looking confused]

“Never heard of it. Have I ever been there?”

[pause, listening, getting hot]

“Listen smartass. I have too much to do with four kids running around here to be gallivanting around the world talking to people that I can't understand."

[pause, listening]

“I know it’s my job but I am a mother first. This other stuff will have to wait a few years, until I get a few more of them into the Army.”

[pause, listening]

“Hell no, they aren’t smart enough to go to college. I just barely got through myself after finding the “right” school, if you know what I mean, and have you ever seen their father? Listen we need to wrap this up. I need to shift Trojan to the other nipple. So what did Crapistan do?”

[pause, listening, then hot again]

“Don’t correct me. I’m the president. You guys didn’t correct W all of the time did you?”

[pause, listening, then in a sing-song mocking tone, repeating the answer]

“’At least he knew the name of foreign countries’. Well big deal. Could he see one of these ‘foreign countries’ from Texas?”

[pause, listening]

“Mexico doesn’t count. They have never been a threat to us.”

[pause, listening]

“They were? A war? When?

[pause, listening]

“Hmmm. I didn’t know that. Let’s get back to now.

[pause, listening]

"Aw, fuck ‘em, nuke the bastards, I'm going to be saved because of that rapture stuff that I signed up for at church. See you in the morning, and don't call here again unless it's REALLY important!"

[slams phone down on the night stand, Trojan starts crying.]

"Shhhhh, don't cry. Grandma has to run the country once in a while."