Another Year, Another Worthless SOTU Address

Tonight I may or may not watch the State of the Union (SOTU) address. Part of it has been leaked, the part about providing health care to those who need it. Do I really need my blood pressure raised to new levels as I listen to Bush finally talk about issues that affect us, even though his “plan” is crap? Where were you the last six years on this? Oh, that’s right, the Dems now have the power and you can no longer force your more of your doomed-to-failure plans down our throats, so you have to start addressing real issues.

Following a previous SOTU I listed my reasons in this space for not watching it. This time I will list the things that I would like to hear him say in case I decide to not watch another rerun of a Texas hold ‘em tournament, or some other horrible, mindless, dumbing-down crap that has more value than listening to anything that Bush says. I would really, really, really like to hear him say #1, but if that doesn’t happen any of the others would be nice. I realize that none of these will be uttered so following the list I will again provide you with how I would really like the SOTU to be executed.

1. “Effective noon tomorrow I and my entire administration will resign.”
2. “As of tomorrow we will begin implementing the selective service draft”
3. “Jenna and Barbara will be entering the Army as privates in the infantry, and will be deployed to a hot zone in Iraq after the completion of an accelerated, 2-week basic training.”
4. “I have ordered the commanders to begin removing troops in Iraq, and everyone will be stateside by the end of March.”
5. “Instead of threatening Iran, Syria, and others I will seek to meet with them to develop a plan to bring peace to the region.”
6. “I will sign the minimum wage bill, stem cell bill, and all other bills brought before me by this congress that I should have been pressing them to pass during the past six years.”

As promised here is what I would really like to hear him say:

“Good evening. Tonight I am implementing changes to the State of the Union address that I intend to follow for the remainder of my term, and am hopeful that my successors with adopt and enhance in future years.

The first thing that you have already notice is that I entered the chamber near the main stage, not the usual entrance from the rear. Everyone’s time, here and at home, is valuable so we do not need to waste it with unnecessary hand shaking and photo opportunities. I want this annual event to be one of substance, not the political opportunity that it has evolved into over the last several years.

During my address I request, no, I demand that I not be interrupted by any applause. If you like what you hear tonight and want to applaud, do so at the end of the address. I also ask that you not make any negative responses during my address. I was taught that that the office of the president was to be respected. While I do not believe that any freedom of speech be restricted, I ask that you save any boos or hissing until I finish my remarks.

This year there will be no opposition party response, for a lot of reasons, the primary of which is that this activity serves no constructive purpose and further divides this country. Instead, following my remarks I will answer questions from anyone in this chamber. I feel that if Tony Blair can routinely field questions from Parliament, I should at least be able to do this with Congress on an annual basis. The rules for this session are that I will not tolerate any obvious political posturing from either party, and the questions must be pertinent to what I will be discussing tonight. I expect you to challenge me on anything that I propose here, and when I do not have an answer for you I will tell you that with the intention of getting you and the American people an answer within 24 hours. We will limit the question/answer part of this event to two hours.

Instead of a long, drawn out address as I have given here in the past I will be presenting to you the State of the Union in three parts. First, we will review what I said that we would do last year in this chamber, identifying successes and failures, and I will subjectively give my administration a letter grade for each. Second, I will talk about those things that we did not foresee and had to react to, also grading each. And third, I will present my plan for the coming year. This will include any new initiatives necessary to move this nation in the right direction. All of this will be displayed in bulleted form on the large screens to my left and right.

I think that is all of the ground rules, so let’s get started. Last year I came to you with the following …”