Why I did not watch the SOTU address

Last night I did not watch the State of the Union address for a lot of reasons that I am about to list. But unlike the Democrats, I provide to you what I would like this guy to say in the SOTU. My proposed introduction to his speech follow my reasons for watching Supernatural rather than Bush.

1. Bush has repeatedly lied to us.
2. I have no confidence that he will follow through on anything that he proposes. (remember hydrogen cars in 2003?)
3. Bush is a war criminal and should be in prison.
4. He has milked 9/11 long enough and I do not want to hear more FUD. (fear, uncertainty, and doubt)
5. $250 billion for Iraq but only $1 billion for New Orleans?
6. He seems oblivious to the corruption in both parties.
7. He has no health care plan and seems to not care about this.
8. I just hate seeing his face.

As promised here is what I would really like to hear him say, provided I could get by #8 above:

“Good evening. Tonight I am implementing changes to the State of the Union address that I intend to follow for the remainder of my term, and am hopeful that my successors with adopt and enhance in future years.

The first thing that you have already noticed is that I enter the chamber near the main stage, not the usual entrance from the rear. Everyone’s time, here and at home, is valuable so we do not need to waste it with unnecessary hand shaking and photo opportunities. I want this annual event to be one of substance, not the political opportunity that it has evolved into over the last several years.

During my address I request, no, I demand that I not be interrupted by any applause. If you like what you hear tonight and want to applaud, do so at the end of the address. I also ask that you not make any negative responses during my address. I was taught that that the office of the president was to be respected. While I do not believe that any freedom of speech be restricted, I ask that you save any boos or hissing until I finish my remarks.

This year there will be no opposition party response, for a lot of reasons, the primary of which is that this activity serves no constructive purpose and further divides this country. Instead, following my remarks I will answer questions from anyone in this chamber. I feel that if Tony Blair can routinely field questions from Parliament, I should at least be able to do this with Congress on an annual basis. The rules for this session are that I will not tolerate any obvious political posturing from either party, and the questions must be pertinent to what I will be discussing tonight. I expect you to challenge me on anything that I propose here, and when I do not have an answer for you I will tell you that with the intention of getting you and the American people an answer within 24 hours. We will limit the question/answer part of this event to two hours.

Instead of a long, drawn out address as I have given here in the past I will be presenting to you the State of the Union in three parts. First, we will review what I said that we would do last year in this chamber, identifying successes and failures, and I will subjectively give my administration a letter grade for each. Second, I will talk about those things that we did not foresee and had to react to, also grading each. And third, I will present my plan for the coming year. This will include any new initiatives necessary to move this nation in the right direction. All of this will be displayed in bulleted form on the large screens to my left and right.

I think that is all of the ground rules, so let’s get started. Last year I came to you with the following . . .”